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Classic Velocity Blog

Classic Velocity Laws

Classic Velocity


1. If you have N rusty bolts to remove, N-1 of them will come off after penetrant, heat, and normal efforts. The remaining one will round off the head, snap inside the engine block, defy the EZ-out, damage at least one appendage, expand your expletive vocabulary, and cause you to get the car towed to someplace that can remove it for $500. Or cause you to sell the vehicle.

2. Almost everything found in a barn is bad.

3. If you are not in the market for a particular vehicle or part, an unbelievable deal for that item will present itself, causing you to be in the market.

4. If you breakdown far from home in one of the less populated areas of the country, the offending part will be cheap, it will fail as night approaches or at night, you will hear the theme from deliverance playing softly nearby, and the part will be available only from a vendor at the geographical opposite of your current position within the country, causing you to pay the maximum possible fedex charge.

5. Remember the following formula. FP=0.5D-NT . For you non-scientific types, Failure point (FP) = half the distance (D) to the event minus the needed tool (NT).

6. Restoration pain is like childbirth pain. Nuff said.

7. Never give yourself a self-imposed deadline. Yourself knows you very well and can attempt to outflank you, but then you try reverse psychology, which yourself will then counter with u-turn psychology, but you already know this and refuse to go for it, which causes yourself to punch you in the face, and you retaliate with a kick to the groin which yourself wasn't expecting because that is not good cricket, but you know this which causes yourself to reach for the lug wrench........As you watch your house recede into the distance through the rear window of the ambulance you note, "Boy these straight jackets are uncomfortable."

8. If you have new paintwork, take a screwdriver and scratch it yourself. Then use your expanded expletive vocabulary. There, now you can move on without murdering some old lady with a shopping cart or one of your children.

9. Contrary to popular belief, most engine misfires and other poor-running maladies are not remedied by keeping speed high and revs close to redline for extended periods of time.

10. There is a small vacuum-assisted magnetic compartment on every vehicle into which very small parts and hardware fall when you are installing or removing them. This compartment is connected to a worm hole. Somewhere in another galaxy, there are beings made entirely of lock washers, set screws, circlips and odd socks.